Image used for representation only.
A year and a half ago, a reader posed a newsletter question to the food editor at Bloomberg Pursuits (me): Do restaurant servers hate diners?
To answer that thought-provoking query, I turned to Adam Reiner, a Bloomberg Pursuits contributor and James Beard-winning writer. He spent more than 20 years waiting tables in New York City, everywhere from theme restaurants in Times Square to Carbone, the Grill and Babbo.
Now Reiner is publishing his first book, The New Rules of Dining Out: An Insider’s Guide to Enjoying Restaurants (LSU Press; Sept. 19; $30). It’s a de facto handbook for everyone who wants to have a better experience when they sit down at a restaurant, let alone someone who craves VIP treatment. Chapters have titles like, “How to Become a Regular” and “Tricks of the Trade, Power Moves and No-No’s.” (“Excessive spending isn’t the only reliable way of becoming a regular,” he wrote in his book. “Restaurant workers are accustomed to being treated like ‘the help’ so when guests make a genuine effort to get to know them, it can go a long way toward establishing a mutually beneficial relationship.”)
As scoring a prime-time restaurant reservation continues to be the ultimate power play in New York (and beyond), it’s a good time to familiarize yourself with these skills. And, Reiner points out in a recent interview, better dining interactions just might help improve the fragile restaurant ecosystem overall. “Everything felt by diners is felt by restaurants,” he says. Think high food prices and tipping frustrations. “It’s a good time for diners to say, ‘how can I be a better guest’ and make the experience better for everyone,” even if it means leaving your table a little earlier than you want to (see below).
So, do servers actually hate diners? “Generally speaking, I don’t think most servers ‘hate’ diners,” says Reiner. That said, “every restaurant also has a few regulars that a majority of the staff can’t stand,” he adds. “Sometimes you can hear the collective groan when these people walk through the door.”
Don’t be that guy. Here are six rules for being a VIP at restaurants.
Don’t Glue Yourself to Your Phone
No one is telling you to put your phone in a locker, says Reiner (actually, some restaurants are). “But if you’re constantly engaged in checking your messages you’re missing a chance to connect.” Sure, take pictures-most diners want to get some social media capital from the restaurants they go to-and most places appreciate that. However, if your evening is devoted to a TikTok video, you’re not engaging your server. What’s more, he wrote, “servers are much more likely to ignore a distracted guest that they perceive as disinterested than one who gives their undivided attention.”
Don’t Ask for General Recommendations
If you’re going to ask your server for suggestions, be specific about what you want and will or won’t eat. Unless you deeply care about your waiter’s favorite dish, frame the question around your own taste. For example, Reiner wrote, “you might say, ‘I’m in the mood for something lighter, and I don’t like anything with too much butter, would you recommend the striped bass or the halibut?’” Otherwise it’s almost always a waste of everyone’s time to know that your server likes the spaghetti with anchovies when you’re not eating carbs.
Don’t Be a Table Hog
One of the benefits of being a VIP in a restaurant is that you don’t feel rushed out of the place. Still, restaurant economics get more challenging every day. Like it or not, unless you own the place, you’re only renting your table for a couple hours. “Mindful diners will always try to return their table within a reasonable amount of time,” Reiner wrote. “If you don’t want to leave, ask the staff if they can relocate you to the bar for after-dinner drinks.” And, the more you work with a place to accommodate them, the more likely they’ll be to let you linger at future meals.
Don’t Forget the Busboys/Busgirls
“We can all agree that tipping sucks,” wrote Reiner. “But the system isn’t going away anytime soon, so we might as well make it work for us.” A restaurant’s bussers invariably spend more time monitoring a table than the servers does but never see tips directly from guests. “Slipping them a crisp $20 will help ensure that your water glasses remain full, your bread basket is replenished, and your table will always be cleared in a timely fashion,” he says.
Don’t Storyboard Your Meal Before You Walk in the Door
If you plan your meal in advance, you might be depriving yourself of a chance to have a singular experience. “If you only stick to crowd favorites, you risk missing out on off-menu specials and seasonal dishes that might not be mentioned in online reviews,” says Reiner. “Taking the time to discuss the menu with your server also helps to build camaraderie. When you predetermine your order, you miss out on this key moment of connection.”
Don’t Expect VIP Treatment at a Brand New Place
Wait a few weeks-even a few months-before going to a new restaurant “Restaurants are like newborns,” wrote Reiner. “They need time to grow and mature. Sometimes they spit up on you.” It’s almost always easier to get a reservation after the hype has died down, and by then, there’s also more opportunity to connect with staff like the general managers, who can have a lot to do with your future experiences.
